Danny's Recovery
by Skylark62
Summary: Danny is not acting himself, and Martin is determined to figure out what is wrong and fix his friend. During this process, they become closer, and eventually start a relationship. (This is a hurt / comfort fic that starts about 3 months after Danny has been raped. This is not described in detail though; the fic only covers the aftermath, and a general description of the event)
It was inconceivable that it could happen to him. These sort of things happened to other people, not confident, self-assured men who could take care of themselves, like Danny could. But it happened: and once Danny came out of his shock and what had happened to him actually registered, he couldn't cope. He shut down.

At first, the rest of the team thought he'd just been beaten up, like their missing man, Jason Woods, obviously had been. But as Danny started to recover from his injuries, it became more obvious that something of Danny was missing. His cockiness and confidence wasn't there. He wasn't flirting with everyone with a pulse – male or female – unlike usual. He was quiet, still, and doing everything he could to blend into the background and not be noticed. Oh, he was doing his job, no-one could accuse him of not being efficient or working hard, but unless you were looking at him or asked him a question, it was easy to not realise he was there.

Jack was under pressure from above to finish the cases, keep up with the paperwork, and also deal with the hassle he was getting from his ex-wife over childcare arrangements, so didn't really notice that something was wrong. Viv was similarly bogged down with paperwork from the taskforce she was working with, and also had teenaged Reggie with his issues to deal with, so anything not to do with the latest case was not registering with her. Sam was less concerned with the men on her team than dealing with the case and her most recent romance with a lawyer; for once this seemed to be going well, so she was devoting a lot of her spare time to him, even at work when she could get away with it.

So that left Martin to worry about Danny and what had happened to cause the change, and wonder what he could do to help. He had tried to ask Danny what was wrong, only to be brushed off, so he decided to try and figure it out on his own.

To start with, Martin considered there could be family problems. Goodness knows, Danny didn't have much family, but Rafi seemed to cause his brother enough angst to make up for the other missing members of their family. A few discreet checks ruled that out though. Then he wondered if it was a romance gone wrong, but usually he was aware of any romantic liaisons, especially those lasting more than a few weeks, so he ruled that out. He thought back to when Danny had started to change, and realised that it had been connected to the Jason Woods case, so decided to start his investigations there. He had a chat to the detective that had handled the case after Jason had been found. The perp who had been holding him had been thoroughly investigated and was currently awaiting trial, so Martin thought that there might be some answers there. He wasn't expecting what he found out.

Nigel Blane had held Jason Woods hostage for a week, and in that time he had not only beaten the man to a pulp, he had repeatedly raped him. That hadn't been obvious to the missing persons team when they had found Jason; all they did was send him to hospital and pass on the case to the detectives of the local NYPD to follow up and continue the investigations.

Danny had been the first to find where Jason was being held, and as he could hear screams, he had gone in without waiting for back-up to arrive. This proved to be a mistake, because what Danny couldn't have realised was that Blane had the place wired with cameras, so he was aware of Danny's presence, and the fact that he was alone, before he even entered the building. That gave him the advantage and enabled him to trap Danny. Blane then stopped attacking Jason, which probably saved his life, but he had instead vented his rage on Danny.

As far as everyone knew, this took the form of a beating, which left Danny with a broken collar bone, black eye and swollen face, and bruises pretty much all over. It never occurred to anyone that Blane may have taken more revenge on Danny during the hour it took for him to be rescued and Blane to be arrested.

Now Martin was considering it. But what to do? He couldn't exactly go up to Danny and ask him if he'd been raped. So he decided to work it through, and figure out the best way to determine if it was likely Danny had been violated in that way, and then what he could best do to help him.

One of Martin's FBI friends from the academy, Kate, was now working in victims support, so he decided to approach her, as she had experience in this field. He phoned her and invited her to dinner, explaining that he wanted to pick her brain as well as catch up with what she'd been up to over the last few months. They didn't meet up often, with the pressure of their work getting in the way, but they had been good friends for long enough that they could pick up the threads of their friendship whenever they did see each other.

Martin and Kate met at a comfortable Italian restaurant, close to where Kate lived. After the customary hug and catch up on what both of them had been doing outside work over the last 6 months – not much for Martin apart from an opportunity to moan about his father, and details and photos from Kate about her husband Mike and their two children - they ordered their meal. Then a silence fell, before Kate quizzed Martin about what had prompted his phone call. He explained what he had discovered about the case that appeared to have traumatised Danny, and his fears about what had happened to his friend. Kate lost her smile and started quizzing Martin on how Danny had been acting, and what he had been saying.

After Martin finished talking she stayed silent, looking at the table for a minute before raising her eyes and telling him, "From what you say, it is definitely possible that Danny was sexually assaulted. The way you say he is acting is indicative of that type of assault, and so is keeping silent and not telling anyone about it. I hope I am wrong, for your friend's sake, but I don't think I am."

Now it was Martin's turn to sigh. "What can I do? What should I do - leave it alone or try to help him? I want to help, but am worried about saying the wrong thing, or making things worse. We work together, I don't want to push him and cause problems between us, but I can't just ignore this. What should I do? Please help me."

Two hours later, Martin left with a few ideas of how to approach Danny, and some homework in the form of a couple of websites to check out that dealt with rape, especially male rape. Kate had promised to provide any more help he needed, but he knew that the difficult part would be getting Danny to admit that anything had happened to him, and that he needed help. Martin just hoped he could get Danny to do that.

It was Friday night and Danny was slouched in front of his TV with a game on. He wasn't really watching it though, just gazing blankly at the screen. He felt that his life had been split into two parts – before and after. Before, he'd been a party animal when his job allowed, always out having fun, meeting people and going on dates, with people of either sex. After, well, now he stayed in. He didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, and the idea of dating was totally abhorrent to him. He couldn't imagine ever wanting to get close to anyone again.

The phone rang. Danny glanced at it in surprise. Most people rang his cell, but this was his home line. That meant it wouldn't be work, which was a relief as he didn't want to go out and have to put a mask on to stop his work colleagues realising anything was wrong. Slowly he got to his feet and answered the phone.

"Hello."

"Danny, hi. It's Martin. I know it's late, but there's something I need to talk to you about. Could I come round please?"

Danny sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was have to deal with Martin. He used to have some pretty strong feelings for him and enjoyed spending time with him before… but now seeing him at work every day was just a reminder of how cruel life could be, and how much his life had changed. "Really Martin I don't think..."

"Danny I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. I trust you and value our friendship, and you told me that if I needed help I could come to you."

"Yes, I know. Sorry, it'll be fine. Come on over. If I can help you with something I will."

"Thanks. I'll be there soon." Martin put the phone down, relieved that Danny had agreed. He felt a bit guilty for misleading Danny, but knew that it had been the only way to get him to agree, and Martin wanted to make sure that Danny was on familiar ground when he confronted him, and they had to be somewhere private. Danny's apartment had seemed the best choice, and by ringing his home number, he could be sure the other man was there.

Twenty minutes later, Danny heard the buzzer at the front door, and checked that it was Martin before buzzing him in. It took Martin 5 more minutes to get up to the fourth floor where Danny lived, and Danny opened the door after first checking the peephole. As soon as Martin came in, Danny locked and bolted the door, and put the chain across. These were precautions that he hadn't taken in the past, but Martin didn't comment. Now he knew the reason why.

Both men sat down in the living room and Danny turned off the TV after bringing in a couple of bottles of water for them. "What's the problem?" Danny wasn't interested in small talk. He didn't want to have to answer any questions himself, and the sooner he found out what Martin wanted, the sooner he could get rid of him.

"I've got a friend who's in trouble. He's completely changed character overnight from a lively enthusiastic man who got on with everyone, to a tired-looking quiet sombre ghost who avoids people whenever possible. I want to help him because I'm really worried about him, but I don't know what to do to help, or even if he will let me help him."

Danny stared at Martin, and realised the trap that had been laid for him. "Martin I'm fine," he started with, but didn't sound convincing even to himself.

"No you're not. Three months ago you would never have been at home this time on a Friday night. If we weren't working you'd have been out clubbing. You never used to be as paranoid about double-bolting your door when I've been here before, and that's ignoring what you're like at work." Seeing Danny start to protest he quickly carried on. "Yes I know your work itself is fine, as good as usual, but you're a shadow of what you used to be like. I haven't seen you smile in months or heard you laugh or tell a joke, and that's not like you."

Martin paused to see if Danny was going to continue to deny that there was a problem, but he didn't. Danny was fiddling with the top of his water bottle and avoiding eye contact. "I don't want to talk about it," he muttered.

"I know you don't. But you don't seem to be able to get through this on your own, so I wanted to make sure you knew that I am here for you, and want to help."

Danny didn't say anything. He was still looking down and seemed to be lost in his thoughts.

"I know what happened." Martin said gently. That got Danny's attention, as he shot upright in his seat and glared at Martin. "It wasn't too difficult to figure out. I discounted all the other possibilities, worked out the timeline of when you changed and narrowed it down to the Woods case. I checked out the file; I know what happened to Jason Woods while he was being held, and I think that it happened to you too."

Danny slumped back against the sofa, crossing his arms across his chest. "I was only there an hour. Jason Woods was held for a week."

Martin noticed that Danny wasn't denying it. "An hour can seem like forever if you're in the wrong person's hands. Plus physical abuse doesn't take a long time to inflict." Martin noticed how Danny flinched when he said the word abuse. "Let me in Danny. Let me help you," he pleaded.

Suddenly Danny stormed to his feet and erupted in anger. "How Martin? How can you help? Can you make what that man did to me not happen? Can you make me forget? He's taken my life away from me, and there's nothing you can do to change that!" Danny was now pacing the room as he shouted at Martin.

Luckily Kate had warned Martin that abrupt mood swings were likely to happen, so he wasn't too worried. He was actually pleased that Danny wasn't denying it any more. He was careful to keep his body language unthreatening and speak quietly. "No I can't change the past or make you forget. But I can help you to move on and regain your life. I am sure at the moment it seems like an impossible task, but you're too strong to let this beat you, to let him win. You need help and support to get through this, and I can help you get that."

Danny deflated and sank back to the sofa, and his head went down into his hands. "I can't do it. I'm not strong. I used to be, but now…" Martin could hear the despondency in his voice as it faded away. He wanted to go up to Danny and hold him, but knew from Kate that physical contact was definitely not the way to go. So he had to try to give Danny the comfort he needed with his voice and words.

"I can't say I know what you're going through because it hasn't happened to me, but I do know that you take it one step at a time. It's the only way to work through a task that seems impossible. I'll be here every step of the way. Have you told anyone what happened?"

"No way," Danny denied. "I just couldn't talk about it, not to anyone."

"So the doctors at the hospital didn't check you out while they were treating your other injuries?"

"No. I didn't say anything, and they didn't ask or check. I'm okay physically." Danny emphasised the word physically. He could reassure Martin of that much.

"I checked the medical records of both Woods and Blane. I know I shouldn't have done, but it was relatively easy to do. There are no concerns about STDs or HIV." Martin wasn't sure if Danny had checked himself or been tested, so thought he'd give the one bit of good news he could. Judging by Danny's reaction, he hadn't known that.

Danny ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "God, I never even thought to check that. I should have thought about that, got tested. I don't know where my mind is." He sounded disgusted with himself.

"Hey, that's pretty understandable. You've had a lot to deal with. At least you know it isn't an issue." Martin didn't want Danny to start blaming himself for his scattered thoughts.

There was one thing Martin had been very worried about, knowing that Danny was an alcoholic. He had been worried that he might start drinking again. The fact that the only liquid in sight was water and Danny seemed totally sober reassured him, but he wanted to check. "Have you wanted a drink since it happened? I know you always went to meetings, but have you been going recently? Are you okay with that?" Martin wasn't quite sure how to phrase the question, but at least Danny was used to dealing with his alcoholism and the questions it brought.

Danny gave an ironic half smile. "Martin, I always want a drink. That hasn't changed. But I haven't had one. I know if I start again there is no way I will ever pull myself out again, and I can't deal with that as well. I've been going to meetings, and talked to my sponsor when it's been bad. He doesn't know why I'm struggling at the moment, but he's used to me not being able to talk about things that have upset me because of the job, so he hasn't questioned it."

It was the longest answer Martin had got all night and he was reassured that Danny had been keeping his destructive addiction under control. He knew from his reading that many rape survivors self-destructed and committed suicide, and had been worried that Danny might crawl into a bottle as a means of escape. That was one thing off his mind.

"I'm glad that you have it under control. I was worried about that." Martin made eye contact with Danny and realised that he was drained. He had been looking tired and pale all the time anyway, and when Martin looked closely now, he could see that Danny was trembling. He was trying to cover it up, but obviously the confrontation had taken its toll on Danny. Martin realised he needed to back off now and let Danny recover his composure and strength. He had accomplished what he had aimed to do – Danny had admitted what had happened and had answered his questions, even if it was reluctantly.

"Okay. I think you've had enough today what with work and then me questioning you. It's late so I'd better be going. Can I see you again tomorrow? Maybe have brunch together? I won't hassle you with lots of questions again, but I would like to make sure you are eating. I haven't seen you have lunch at work for weeks, and you've lost weight." Martin didn't want to leave it too long before he next saw Danny. He didn't know if his confrontation tonight would cause a bad reaction for Danny, so wanted to see him the next day to make sure he was okay.

Danny looked at Martin for a minute then sighed. "Okay. How about 11am at the café round the corner?"

Martin smiled, relieved that Danny had agreed without arguing. "Sounds good. I'll be there." He stood up and made his way towards the door to the apartment.

Just as he had finished unlocking all the locks and was about to open the door, Danny spoke again "Martin, thanks." He paused, collecting his thoughts while Martin turned to look at him. "Thanks for caring, for wanting to help me. I appreciate it."

Martin smiled. "Any time man. I'm here for you, always. See you tomorrow." He opened the door and let himself out, and listened to Danny relocking all the bolts again before he walked down the hallway to the elevator to go home.

The next day was miserable and wet, so the café wasn't too busy when Martin arrived, 10 minutes early. He'd been up late reading up on the various different rape survivor websites the night before, and felt a bit more knowledgeable about the different problems that Danny could be experiencing. He knew that Danny would almost certainly need professional counselling if he was to make a good recovery, but also knew that it was unlikely that he would agree to that at the moment. 'One step at a time' Martin told himself.

Kate had sent him a leaflet from a nearby centre that specialised in helping rape and abuse survivors. They provided not only counselling one-on-one, but also held support groups for both men and women, and had a medical section that could provide help for common problems experienced such as insomnia, anxiety and depression. Martin wanted to see if Danny would accept help for any of those symptoms he was experiencing as the next step. He was pretty sure that insomnia was a problem, judging by the dark shadows under Danny's eyes, and he certainly seemed to be depressed, from the description on the leaflet. Kate had assured him that if he could get Danny to see the doctor there, he wouldn't need to explain what had caused the symptoms and it would be confidential. It was a way to get Danny to accept some help and see the centre without actually having to talk about what he had been through.

Danny walked into the café 10 minutes late, just when Martin was about to ring him. He looked round and came over t0 sit with Martin at the table in the corner and smiled at the other man. Martin noticed straight away that the smile didn't reach his eyes, although he was obviously trying to make an effort. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked very pale, making the darkness under his eyes even more vivid.

"Hi," Martin said. "I'm glad you came. So what's good to eat here?" He didn't want Danny to worry about him discussing anything personal in the café, so was determined to keep the conversation light.

"Everything I've tried has been good. I used to eat here a few times a week." A shadow fell across Danny's face as he thought about what had stopped him visiting there.

"Great. I think I'll have the waffles and a coffee. What about you?"

"I'm not really very hungry but a coffee sounds good." Danny saw Martin's face at that answer, and amended it. "Okay. Maybe I'll take a blueberry muffin as well if it makes you happier."

"Yes it does. Got to keep your strength up man." Just as they put their menus down, the waitress appeared to take their order.

While they were at the café, Martin kept the conversation light – he wanted to make sure Danny actually ate his brunch, and had no reason to get upset. They discussed their families and Martin filled Danny in on a few bits of office gossip that he hadn't heard because he had been so distracted at work recently. When they finished eating and drinking, Martin looked Danny in the eye and asked if he could come back to his place for a talk. Danny looked reluctant, but eventually nodded.

They got back to Danny's apartment and stripped off their wet coats, then sat down in the living room.

"I have been doing some research about the most common problems and ways to help. Obviously I'm no expert, but can I tell you what I've found out, and then maybe you could tell me if I'm way off base, or not?" Martin asked Danny. He had decided that easy questions where he didn't ask the other man to talk about something he wasn't comfortable with would be the best way to approach this.

Danny didn't make eye contact, but nodded, fiddling with the seam of his jeans to distract himself.

"Two of the main problems that compounds everything else, are insomnia and nightmares. You can't sleep so feel exhausted all the time, which means you don't have the energy to try and deal with the root cause of your problems. When you do sleep you get nightmares which take you right back to where you were, and make it even less likely for you to get back to sleep. It can be a vicious circle where you are terrified to sleep but need it more than anything. I'm guessing from the shadows under your eyes that you're having these problems. Am I right?" Martin looked at Danny and hoped he would get an answer.

Danny didn't look up at Martin but slowly nodded.

"Another problem can be depression. No interest in anything, nothing that you do or that happens to you makes you feel any better, and even more sleep problems. Anxiety can be an issue as well, feeling panic if something happens unexpectedly, not feeling safe anywhere, and not trusting people like before." Danny was nodding again without Martin even asking him anything. Now for the difficult part.

"There is a centre nearby which can help. There are doctors there who can prescribe you medication that will help you sleep, will ease your anxiety, and help lift the depression. You don't need to explain what happened to you and why these symptoms have started, just give them your medical history and tell them your symptoms and they will help you. I know it seems scary, but if you can bring yourself to do this, you can start to get some sleep, and then everything won't seem so impossible. I've got a leaflet here about it if you want to read it before deciding if you want to do this." Martin held his breath as he waited for Danny to respond.

Danny jumped up from the sofa and started pacing. "You think it's that easy – go and get a bunch of pills and everything will be all right? Well it won't!"

Martin stayed calm. "I know it won't. It's a first step. If you get some sleep and feel less exhausted, if you don't feel so depressed and anxious, you'll be able to cope with taking the next step, then the next one. It's like the AA say – take one day at a time. Well with this you take one step at a time. No miraculous cures. But I promise I will be here to help you, and support you any way I can."

Danny sat down again, deflated as if all the energy had drained from him. Martin passed him the leaflet about the medical centre. "Just read that and think about it. It can't be worse than what you're going through now, and it probably will help. I can come with you, you don't need to do this alone."

Martin sat there in silence while Danny read the information leaflet. It explained what Martin had said but in more detail. After he had read it, he looked up at Martin and made eye contact for the first time since the conversation had started. He had tears in his eyes. "Okay, but can we go now before I change my mind?"

Martin smiled at Danny. "Of course we can. Let's go." He got up and got his coat on while Danny did the same. Martin could see that Danny was trembling again, but this time as he looked at him he could see a spark of hope on his face. He hoped that this would help the other man to get his life back.

They arrived at the clinic half an hour later. It was fairly quiet, with only a few people in the waiting area reading the magazines and leaflets provided. Danny held back so Martin went up to the counter and spoke quietly to the woman working there. "Is it possible to see a doctor please? We haven't been here before but my friend would like some help. He's having trouble sleeping." The woman looked at Martin then Danny, and passed over a clipboard and pen.

"If you could get your friend to fill these forms out, I'll check which doctor is available," she said before she stared tapping on her keyboards to check the appointments. Martin led Danny over to nearby chairs, and passed the forms over so his friend could start to enter his details. The first form wanted personal information as well as medical history, and there was a list of symptoms to check. As Danny completed the form, Martin was even more worried when he saw how many of the symptoms Danny had ticked – much more than he was expecting. He was obviously in a worse way than he had realised. The second form wanted much more detail on the symptoms of depression and how they affected his life. Martin tried not to be obvious about reading what Danny put, but was concerned about the answers he did see, and hoped the doctor would be able to help.

Martin took the clipboard off Danny and passed it to the receptionist, who didn't look at it beyond the name, then passed it back, but told him that Mr Taylor could go to room 3 down the hall when he was ready. Martin beckoned Danny over and led the way to the doctor's room. Danny slowly followed and Martin could hear his quickened breathing and realised that he was panicking. He stopped outside the room and sat down in the chairs there. "Do you want to wait a minute before going in?" he asked, wanting to give Danny the opportunity to get himself under control before speaking to the doctor. Danny nodded and sat down next to him and leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. Gradually his breathing slowed to its normal rate and then he sat up again, and touched Martin on the arm.

"Ok, I think I'm ready now," he told Martin. Martin was surprised by the contact, as Danny had not touched him for months, but tried not to show it.

"Shall I wait here for you?" Martin asked.

"Would you come with me?" Danny asked in a quiet voice, looking down as if ashamed that he couldn't cope with going in on his own.

"Of course I will," Martin replied. "I'm here for you, whatever you want." He reminded him, before getting up and knocking on the door.

When they walked in, they found a gray-haired man who looked to be retirement age, who had a welcoming smile on his face. There were two chairs in front of his desk, so the two friends took a seat each. Martin handed over the clipboard and forms, which the doctor read through, and then introduced himself. "Hello, I'm Dr Grange. I'm a medical doctor and psychologist, but today I'm here to help you with your medical symptoms, so won't be trying to get into your head. You must be Mr Taylor," he smiled at Danny but made no attempt to shake hands with him, "and you are…" he looked at Martin expectantly.

"I'm Martin Fitzgerald. I'm a friend of Danny's." he replied.

"Okay, Mr Taylor. Can I call you Danny?" he asked the silent man sat in front of him, who nodded.

"Great. So I see you're experiencing a lot of debilitating symptoms. That is not good but I'm confident that I will be able to help improve them for you. How long have you been suffering with them?" the doctor asked.

"Three months." Danny replied.

"According to this form you're not on any medication currently or suffering any medical conditions. Do you smoke or drink or take any illegal drugs? Anything you tell me is confidential and I'm not about to turn you in if you confess to anything illegal, but I need to know in case anything I prescribe interacts."

"No, I take nothing. I don't smoke and work in law enforcement so would never risk illegal drugs, and I'm an alcoholic." Danny had got quieter as he said this until the last word was almost whispered.

"Have you had a drink in the last few months since these symptoms started?" Dr Grange gently asked.

"No." Danny replied.

"That's very good. Many men in your position would have given in to their addiction and started drinking. It's a very difficult disease to overcome, especially when times are hard as they have been recently. You must be a very strong man."

Danny wasn't looking up at the doctor, but Martin could see he was shaking, and saw a tear roll down his face. He decided it would be a good idea to take the focus off his upset friend for a minute.

"I never realised until a friend told me about this place that it existed. How long has it been here, and how is it funded?" Martin asked the friendly doctor. Mr Grange smiled at him and then answered the questions, realising what Martin was doing. After a couple of minutes they could both see that Danny had recovered a bit. He was looking up and had surreptitiously wiped away the few tears that had escaped.

"So Danny, I will need to take your blood pressure and check your heart and weight before I prescribe you anything. Can I do that?" Dr Grange asked. Danny nodded his ascent, and the doctor led him over to an examination table and got out the blood pressure cuff and his stethoscope. While he did the required tests, he kept up a stream of conversation about the local area and the staff who worked at the clinic, to take Danny's mind of what he was doing. When he finished, he went back behind his desk and recorded the results on his computer, and got out his prescription pad.

"Well your blood pressure is fine and your heart is strong with no signs of problems. Your weight is a bit low – I see you have reduced appetite as one of your symptoms so that isn't surprising, but I would like you to try and eat regularly and not skip meals, even if you don't feel hungry. I'll prescribe you a sleeping tablet and an anti-depressant for you to take, but don't expect instantaneous results. You should start to sleep better as soon as you start taking them, but it will take some time for you to catch up with the sleep you have lost, and you will probably still have some nightmares. The anti-depressants will take a couple of weeks to start working, and I've started you with a lower dose for a week then increased it after that. Persevere and you will start feeling better soon. I'd like to see you again in a month, but sooner if you have any problems with the medication. Will that be all right?" Dr Grange looked at Danny and Martin, and handed over the prescription.

Both men nodded at him. "Thanks doctor, you've been a great help." Martin got up and offered his hand to the friendly doctor, who smiled as he shook his hand. He felt very relieved that someone else knew about Danny's problems, and that it was someone who could help him.

"No problem. That's what I'm here for. If you ask Janet on reception, she will give you a file with some leaflets and information about the other services we offer here at the clinic which may be useful as well." Dr Grange saw them both out of the room and closed the door behind them.

Danny immediately sat down on the nearest chair and leaned forward resting his arms on his knees. "Are you all right?" Martin asked him, worried.

"Yes, I just need a minute." Danny replied. "I'm okay."

Martin sat with him until Danny stood up again, and then they set off down the corridor to reception. Martin stopped by reception on the way out to collect the file that Dr Grange had mentioned, and then they left the clinic and got in Martin's car. "Do you want to go back to your place now?" Martin asked as he put on his seatbelt. Danny didn't reply. "Danny?" Martin tried again.

Danny looked round at him. "Actually, I'm sick of sitting at home, although I don't feel like doing anything much."

"Well we could go to my apartment and watch a movie or something. Not exciting, but at least it's a change of scenery for you. I'm sure there must be something worth watching with all those channels I've got." Martin was pleased that Danny wasn't trying to get rid of him, and wanted to do something different.

Danny smiled at him. "That sounds good, thanks, Martin."

Martin smiled back "Anytime."

On the way to Martin's apartment, he stopped at a pharmacy and had Danny's prescription filled, and also picked up some snacks to tempt Danny with. Then they settled down with coffee and popcorn and found a game to watch. While the first adverts were on, Danny read the instructions and the leaflets inside each tablet box, while Martin looked through the file from the clinic. It detailed all the different services that were available from medical to psychological. The clinic helped anyone who had suffered from abuse, whether it was physical or mental or sexual. They had counselling as well as support groups, including one for men who had been raped. There was a list of information sources including books and Internet sites with information on a whole range of related subjects, and Martin saw that some of those listed were ones he had looked at over the last few days. When he had finished, he passed the file to Danny to look at. At first he just skimmed the leaflets, but he stopped on the one about male rape, and kept rereading it, and looking at the website list.

"My laptop's on the desk if you want to check any of those sites out now. Some of them seem quite good. I've had a look at a couple over the last week." Martin offered.

"How did you find these sites, and about the clinic?" Danny asked.

"I have a friend who works in victims support who I was at the academy with. I picked her brains and she gave me a leaflet about the clinic and a few websites to look at when I told her what I suspected." Martin had seen Danny flinch when he said the word 'victims' but he didn't appear upset that Martin had been discussing him with his friend.

"Have you said anything to anyone else?" Danny asked in a low voice. Martin immediately realised what he was afraid of.

"You mean at work? No. Not a thing. I'm not sure anyone else has realised there is anything wrong with you, and I haven't said anything. No-one's talking about you behind your back, don't worry about that. You've done a good job of covering up." Martin reassured him.

"Not that good if you noticed and figured out what was wrong." Danny replied.

"Ahh, but that's because I have no life outside work, so nothing else to distract me. Would you rather I hadn't figured it out?" Martin asked.

"No. I'm glad you did. I don't feel everything is as hopeless now. I feel better knowing I'm not alone going through this and that you're here for me. If the tablets help me feel better and get some sleep, I'm sure I'll be better able to cope with what's happened to me. I know I will need to talk about it sometime, but I'm not ready to do that, yet."

"You don't need to yet. It's one step at a time, and you've taken that step. Give the medication time to work and then when you feel stronger, you can take the next step. I'll be here for you when you do." Martin smiled at Danny, pleased that they were talking about this and Danny was opening up to him more, not being defensive like he had the night before. The last 24 hours had made such a difference. He hoped the next few weeks with the medication would continue to help Danny feel better and able to cope with facing what had happened to him.

A month later, Danny and Martin were back at the clinic waiting to see Dr Grange again. This time Danny was livelier, looking round the clinic at the posters on the walls and the racks of leaflets available. He had made a lot of progress over the last four weeks, and now was acting much more like his previous self, more confident and less nervous, although still not doing anything to draw attention to himself. He also looked better, with the shadows under his eyes much less prominent, and with more life in his eyes. He was much more in control and had more energy. Martin was amazed to see the difference a few weeks had made.

When they got in to see Dr Grange, he saw the difference in Danny as well, and asked him about his symptoms. Danny told him that he was sleeping much better, although he was still having nightmares, and that he had been feeling better in himself the last couple of weeks, and eating better. Dr Grange told him to try to cut down on the sleeping tablets and suggested some herbal medication and antihistamines to take instead while he came off the stronger ones, to stop him becoming reliant on them.

"So now that I have helped you medically, are you ready to consider talking about what happened to you? You won't be able to get over it unless you talk to someone about it. The clinic has counsellors and support groups, both of which can be very helpful. I'm assuming that you go to AA meetings?" Danny nodded at the doctor, despite looking uncertain at the thought of counselling. "I expect you would find the group similar to AA. It's very supportive with people all going through the same thing as you but at different stages of recovery. It helps you feel less alone, and you know that everyone there understands what you've been through. If you wanted to try a support group, you can go in and listen, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. It can be a good first step before you try individual counselling. There is one this afternoon if you wanted to go." Danny looked at Martin, who smiled encouragingly at him. "Martin can go as well if you would like his support." Dr Grange added.

"Yes, I think I would like that," Danny agreed, not looking convinced that it would be a good idea, but knowing that he needed to keep making progress if he wanted his life back.

"It starts at 4pm so come here a bit before that and I'll introduce you to Simon, the leader. He's one of the counsellors here and he can tell you more about the group and take you in." Dr Grange looked at Danny then added, "I know it's not comfortable admitting what happened to you, but it really is the best way to move past it, and get on with your life." Danny nodded, and after agreeing when he would make another appointment for a medical assessment, the two men left.

Late that day Dr Grange introduced the two men to Simon, the counsellor who ran the male rape survivors meeting. They had gotten there early, so were the first people there, which meant that it was easy for Simon to introduce them to the different members of the group as they arrived. Everyone was welcoming, and no-one asked any questions.

The first meeting was quite eye-opening for Danny. He found that it did remind him of the AA meetings he was so used to, with different people speaking about how they were feeling briefly, and one man, Trevor, speaking quite a long time about what had happened to him. He had been attacked one night when he walked home after his car broke down in a bad area of the city. He spoke in detail about the attack, and the support he had received afterwards, and how it had enabled him to get his life back. He had his wife with him at the meeting, and they hugged for a long time after he finished speaking.

After the meeting Martin drove him home. Martin had found the meeting less familiar, as he hadn't been to a group meeting of any kind before. "What did you think?" he asked, when they were stopped at a traffic light, wanting to know what Danny was feeling, as he was very quiet.

"It reminded me of AA meetings. Very similar format. I hope I can feel like Trevor someday, that I have put it behind me and got my life back."

"You will. I know you can get there. You've made a lot of progress. It'll take time and effort, but look how far you've come already." Danny looked at Martin as he spoke and could hear the confidence in his voice. He wished he felt as confident.

The following week Danny went to the group meeting again, alone, and after that he regularly attended every meeting, twice a week. He still didn't speak, but was accepted as part of the group. Another man came in one week who looked the way Danny had done a month earlier. He didn't speak to anyone and left as soon as the meeting was over. The man never came again, and when Danny asked Simon about him, Simon told him that he had left the centre and had refused all help. Danny saw his picture in the paper a week later, along with a story about how he had killed himself. It made Danny realise how lucky he had been to have Martin's help, and made him more determined to get his life back.

The journey toward recovery was long, and the various men in the group were all at different points along that path. Danny could tell from looking at their faces and from what they said how well they were doing. Some men didn't speak at all, and some spoke quite often. Every few meetings a man would speak about what had happened to him, and this was an indication that his therapy was working and he was being successful in recovering from his ordeal. Danny spoke briefly at the meeting after he had read the young man's obituary, about how determined it made him and how close to the edge he had got before he received help, and saw other men nodding in agreement. He still hadn't been able to speak about what had happened to him though.

Simon had suggested he was ready for individual therapy sessions after a few weeks, and Danny had agreed that he needed that help and was now ready for it. He was pleased to find that Dr Grange was the therapist he was assigned to, as he remembered how kind he had been when he first visited the clinic with Martin, and having seen him a couple of times since, was comfortable with him. Individual sessions where he had to speak about his ordeal were not easy though.

At first he had to explain in general terms what had happened, and how he felt he was progressing, and what he was doing to help himself regain his life. Often he would be set 'homework', as Dr Grange put it, and given something to do, like going out on his own somewhere, or thinking about how some aspect of his ordeal had changed him. Gradually, he felt that these sessions were helping him regain control of his life.

Outside the centre, Danny didn't do much other than work and see Martin. It became a regular thing for them, every Saturday they weren't working, Martin and Danny would go out for the day, then spend the evening watching a game or a movie at Martin's house, before he would drive Danny home. Sunday morning would be spent separately before they met for brunch and then spent a couple of hours together. They also had dinner together at least once a week. Martin had become Danny's lifeline. Without him to take his mind off things, and do things with, he didn't think he would have coped. Martin was always there though, never failing to make Danny feel better.

Martin saw the changes in Danny more than he did himself. Danny now had much more spark and energy, and although he didn't flirt with anyone, he no longer tried to make himself invisible. He even started to joke around in the office like he had before. As a man who had been quite tactile before the assault, he was now very much hands off, with Martin being the only exception to this. No one in the office commented on the closeness that Danny and Martin had developed, but Jack noticed that they worked better together than apart, and started pairing them up regularly.

After a couple of months of individual therapy sessions, where Danny had gradually been able to open up about what happened to him, Dr Grange suggested Danny consider telling his story at the group session. Danny thought about it for a week before he agreed to it, and Dr Grange arranged with Simon that the following week would be Danny's night. Each time a person had told their story for the first time, they had had at least one person there for support – a friend, family member or partner. For Danny, it was obvious that he would invite Martin.

Martin was pleased to be invited, but nervous for Danny, and also to hear what he was going to say. He knew it would be painful to hear what had happened to Danny, even though he had imagined it for months now. Martin drove Danny to the meeting, and saw how nervous he was. When it got to the segment of the meeting where someone told his story, Danny took a deep breath and stood up, moving to the front of the group. He focussed on no-one but Martin while he told his story, and Martin held his eyes throughout, to try and give him the encouragement to continue.

Danny told the group about his job, and what he was doing the day he got captured by Nigel Blane while he was trying to find Jason Woods, but without mentioning either man's name. Blane had used a stun gun to knock Danny out, and then he had woken up to find himself tied up and blindfolded. Blane had then kicked and punched him repeatedly, before undoing his pants and pulling them and his underwear off. He had then raped Danny before pulling his clothes straight and then beating him some more. Soon after that Danny and Jason Woods were rescued by the FBI and local police, and both taken to hospital.

Danny explained how he had felt numb with shock and didn't tell the hospital what had happened to him, and then when he was released he went back home without anyone knowing. He spoke up about the months after the attack, as Danny had battled insomnia and nightmares and depression, and how he had struggled to behave normally at work. Martin realised how close to the end of his tether Danny had been when he had stepped in and offered his help. He dreaded to think what would have happened if he hadn't taken that first step to help him.

Danny then spoke about Martin, and all he had done for him, and also Dr Grange and the support group, and what a difference they had all made, and how he now felt able to cope with life now. When Danny finished speaking, he came over and hugged Martin as the other members of the group applauded him. Martin could feel him trembling, and the tears that had threatened to fall throughout the time he was speaking fell, and Martin comforted him until he was able to get himself back under control.

They had quickly left after Danny had spoken, as he had been drained of all energy by speaking out, and so Martin had taken him home and put him to bed very soon after he had finished.

That evening had been the start of something new for Danny, a new sense of control and optimism as he had finally spoken out about what had happened to him. It also had started him thinking about Martin and their relationship in a new way as well.

At the next meeting, one man who Danny had spoken to a few times came up to him and told him how much his talk had helped him, and made him realise that things could get better for him. He had also spoken about Martin, and how much it must help Danny to have a lover who was there for him and helping him through his ordeal. That had really jolted Danny, who explained that Martin was only a friend, not his lover. The man laughed. "You should see how he looks at you. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. Open your eyes, man, and see what you've got right in front of you."

Danny hadn't even thought about sex since his rape, and although he had had strong feelings for Martin before that, it seemed like a lifetime ago, and Danny had never seen any indication that Martin was even interested in men, let alone him. He couldn't stop thinking about it though, and was determined to find out one way or another how Martin felt about him.

A week later, he had his chance. He was sat on his couch with Martin, watching a film, or really watching Martin, and contemplating how to bring up the subject that had been consuming his mind for the last week. Martin noticed his looks, and asked him what he was thinking.

"At the group meeting last week, one of the newer members of the group came to me and told me that it was great that you were so supportive of me, and how it must really help to have a lover who is so understanding." Danny said, watching Martin's reaction as he said the word 'lover'. Martin looked surprised, and then a blank look came over his face.

"I'm your friend, of course I'm supportive," he commented.

"Ah, yes, but that isn't what he thought. He said 'lover', and when I told him that you were a friend, not partner, he was shocked, and said that the look he saw in your eyes, and on your face when you were looking at me wasn't friendship, it was much stronger than that, it was love." Danny noticed Martin starting to squirm in the seat, and decided to take a quick detour in his interviewing of this defensive witness.

"You know a lot about my personal life, my past lovers, but you've never mentioned anything about yourself. I think it's time to share a bit more of yourself. You've been spending most weekends with me, and also quite a few nights during the week too. Along with our job, it doesn't leave a lot of time for socialising, so I'm guessing you're not seeing anyone right now. Obviously I know about Sam, but you've never let on about anyone else you've dated, so I'm curious." Danny tried to keep a quizzical but light tone of voice, to give the impression that this was a light conversation, and not as important as he wanted it to be.

"Ok Mr Nosey, you're right, I'm not seeing anyone right now, and haven't been on anything other than a few dates since Sam. As you say, our jobs do make it difficult, and I haven't really wanted to bother getting involved with anyone recently. As for the past, I had a couple of serious relationships in college, and then a semi-serious one in Seattle, but nothing where I've really thought about taking the next step." Martin was more comfortable now the subject had moved away from his feelings for Danny. He knew what his feelings were, and was disconcerted that a stranger had picked up on his love for Danny so easily, but he didn't think that actually admitting it would be a good idea. Danny needed them to be friends right now, not be worrying about Martin's feelings.

"So tell me more about these relationships you've had before – what were their names? Are you still in contact with any of them?"

Martin sighed. He knew that when Danny got stuck on a subject like this, that he wouldn't let it go. "I was with Clare for 2 years, starting very quickly after we started at college. We realised we didn't want to be tied down to each other without exploring other possibilities, and split up quite amicably. We are both on Facebook, but other than that, no contact. Stephanie and I started in college too, but when we left and got jobs in different states, it didn't survive the distance. That wasn't quite as amicable, and we haven't had any contact at all since splitting up. Satisfied now?"

"How about the relationship in Seattle?"

Martin squirmed. This was the one that would give the game away. "We weren't together too long, and our splitting up was one reason that I applied for the job here. No contact there either."

"Name?" Danny enquired, as he had picked up on Martin's nervousness, and wanted to know if his suspicions were correct.

Martin turned to face Danny. He knew that this was it. The secret he had held in since he arrived in New York, that no-one in the missing person squad knew. "John."

Danny grinned, triumphantly. "I knew it! Why did you never say that you were bisexual?"

Martin sighed. "It caused a few problems in Seattle, so I decided that I couldn't take the risk of anyone being homophobic here. Even when I found out that you were bisexual as well, there never seemed to be a good time to mention it. It's not something that comes up in everyday conversation. Plus, there really isn't any need for anyone I work with to know. It's not their business."

"But you and I are more than just work colleagues, Martin. You never felt it was the right time to tell me?" Danny was honing in on what he really wanted to know, and wasn't about to let Martin off the hook.

"We've only become as close as we have since you were attacked. Before that, I wouldn't have said anything, and since then there hasn't really been any need. What you've needed the last few months has been a friend, and that's what I've been." Martin knew he was avoiding what Danny wanted to know, but also realised it was inevitable that he would tell him.

"Yes, you've been a great friend, better than I ever could have hoped for. But that isn't what you want to be is it? Is Gary right? Do you want to be my lover? Do you feel more for me than friendship?" Danny didn't take his eyes off Martin. He was sure he was right, but he wanted Martin to admit it to him.

Martin continued to trace his finger down his water bottle, chasing drops of condensation down the plastic. After a minute he sighed and put the bottle down, then turned to face Danny again. "Yes," he said simply. He stayed looking at Danny to see what his reaction would be. He knew that it wouldn't be negative as if Danny was simply going to tell him that he didn't feel the same way that he never would have chased after answers the way he had done.

Danny smiled at Martin, letting his feelings show at last. He had felt more than friendship for Martin for years, with the time they had spent together since he was raped and the way Martin had cared for him all contributing. "Me too," Danny said softly.

Martin sighed. "Danny, you were attacked, and as a result of that we've spent lots of time together. It's not surprising that you think that what you're feeling is stronger than friendship, but now is not the time to change anything…"

"No. Stop right there. That's not it at all. I was attracted to you before I was attacked, so I know how I feel about you isn't due to the last few months." Danny was vehement in his reply.

"You're not ready, Danny. You're not ready for our friendship to change, you're definitely not ready to have a lover, and I don't want to lose what we do have by trying to make something more of it." Martin spoke softly, as he didn't want this to turn into an argument, but Danny's hot temper was ignited.

"How can you say that? You can't read my mind. You don't know if I'm ready or not. I'm the one who has been having therapy every week, and I know how I feel. You've kept this secret for years and now I've found you out. I think you're too scared to have a relationship with me." Danny by this point was stood up and red in the face, making wild gestures.

Martin realised that he wasn't going to get anywhere with Danny in this mood, but had to try. "That's not it Danny. I'm thinking of you here. I don't want to ruin things…"

"If you were thinking of me then you'd do it, not run away from it. I'm trying to get my life back under control here, and you're stopping me."

"I'm sorry you feel that way Danny, but I'm not going to change my mind. I think it's time I left before either of us says anything we'll regret." With that, Martin quickly grabbed his jacket and left the apartment, hearing the jeers of 'coward' that Danny shouted after him.

The next day at work things were strained between Danny and Martin, but as Jack had noticed this, they were given tasks away from each other, which helped.

That evening it was Danny's counselling session at the centre. Danny told Dr Grange about his conversation with Martin. Dr Grange wasn't surprised that Martin had those feelings for Danny, or that Martin had refused to start a relationship with him. He tried to help Danny see things from Martin's point of view.

"In order to start a relationship that works, both people in the relationship need to go into it as equal partners. For the last few months, you haven't been equal at all - Martin has been your strength. You've needed that, and Martin thinks you still need that. You'll need to convince him otherwise if you want a relationship with him." He explained.

Danny nodded. "Ok, I can see that. But how do I do that?"

"Well first thing you need to do is actually be ready for that relationship with Martin. In that, I agree with Martin. You're not ready yet. But I think you can get there." Dr Grange explained gently.

"Why am I not ready? You're on his side!" Danny exclaimed, as he was feeling frustrated.

"From what you've said, you and Martin are not on different sides – you both want the same thing. The only thing you disagree on is timing. Relationships depend just as much on timing as on finding the right person. If you start a relationship with the right person at the wrong time, when both people are not equally invested and want the same things, then the relationship will fail. I'm sure you can think of examples where that has been the case."

"I know that my first relationship didn't work out partly because I hadn't accepted I liked men, not just women, and he said that he couldn't wait around until I got to the same place as him. Martin and Sam might have worked out if she hadn't still been hung up over Jack." Danny considered a few relationships that came to mind.

"Exactly," Dr Grange agreed. "So if you and Martin get together when you aren't ready, it could be bad for both of you. If you can be patient a little while, then you can both have the relationship you want. It's worth that extra time and effort to make sure that both of you are ready isn't it?"

"Yes, I suppose so. But what do I need to do to be ready?" Danny asked.

"Well, you say you want to be with Martin as lovers, but are you ready for a physical, sexual relationship? I know when we last spoke about this, you hadn't been having any sexual thoughts, or any physical reactions. Have you had any erections or masturbated since the attack?" Dr Grange spoke gently, realising that this was a difficult subject for most men who had been raped.

Danny shuffled uncomfortably on the seat and couldn't meet Dr Grange's eyes. "I've imagined us kissing and cuddling, but nothing more. I had a wet dream a couple of weeks ago, but I don't remember it. Nothing other than that. I kind of assumed that Martin and I would take it slow."

"I'm sure you will," Dr Grange was careful to use the future tense to encourage Danny. "But I think you need to actually be having sexual thoughts about Martin and get aroused by the thought of being with him, before you start a sexual relationship with him. If you don't, he will soon realise it and break things off with you, and you don't want to find yourself in a relationship with someone who doesn't arouse you. Sexual attraction and arousal are the biggest differences between a close friendship and a sexual relationship. You need to be sure that sexual attraction is what you feel for Martin, and it isn't just because you are scared of going out there and trying to find someone new to start a relationship with. That's the other thing. You really haven't been out much since you were attacked. From what you said you used to go clubbing a lot. I think you need to get out and meet new people. Be sure that you want to be with Martin for the right reasons."

Dr Grange looked at Danny, who was now slumped down in his chair, looking dejected. "So that gives you a few things to think about and work on for the next week. Also, I want you to think sexual thoughts about Martin; try to imagine the two of you in an intimate relationship. If you can, I want you to masturbate to orgasm, thinking about him. That will help you to understand your feelings for him. But don't worry if it isn't as easy as it was before, or you can't do it. The medications you are on can have a side effect of lowering libido, and you have been suppressing sexual thoughts for months now. But that will be a good start for you."

Danny's eyebrows were now raised to the ceiling. "You're giving me homework of masturbating!" he exclaimed.

Dr Grange smiled at him. "Yes. Much more pleasurable homework than you're used to, I'm sure." He turned serious then. "Danny, what I want you to remember is that although it may seem as if you and Martin are on opposite sides, you want the same outcome. Try not to make it an argument. He's holding back to protect you both. You can't fault him for that. I also saw that he has made an appointment with me for tomorrow, so I suspect he will also be discussing this with me. I am limited as to what I can say to him because of patient confidentiality, but I'd take it as a good sign."

Danny thought for a minute. "Would it help, do you think, if you could discuss some of what we've talked about with Martin? You could tell him some stuff, I trust you not to reveal too much, but I don't mind if you think it would help…"

It was Dr Grange's turn to think for a minute. "Are you sure about that Danny? It could help, and if the session goes well with Martin I might suggest a joint meeting, but I don't want to tell Martin anything you would rather he didn't know. His session will also be confidential, so I might not be able to tell you how he's thinking next time."

"I'm sure. I trust you. Anything that will help I'm willing to try, and I understand that what you discuss with Martin is confidential too." Danny was sure this was the right thing to do. "I'd better go, as my time is up. I'll try to do my 'homework' as well." Danny's old trademark smirk was back, for the first time in months.

That night, as Danny lay in bed, he tried to picture the way he and Martin had been sat together on the sofa, watching a game, only two nights ago. But instead of them both sitting separately, he imagined them sat cuddled together, their arms and legs intertwined, and Martin's hand gently stroking his arm. He imagined turning his head towards Martin, and catching his eye, then moving closer for a kiss. As he did so, his right arm moved down his body towards his groin, and the fingers of his left hand circled his nipple, which started to go hard at the attention. As Danny pictured himself and Martin lying down on the sofa, both kissing hungrily, their mouths open and their tongues dancing together, he felt a tingle in his penis. It wasn't hard yet, but at least he was feeling something, more than he had done in months.

He had always had a vivid imagination, and used it to full effect then. He saw them both in his mind, separating and removing their shirts, then their bare chests caressing, then saw Martin's hand go down his body to his belt, and undoing that, then his zipper, before delving into his underwear to grasp his erection. Danny's hand was now tugging gently on his cock, which although not fully erect, had starting to harden. In his imagination, Martin had moved so Danny was lying flat on the sofa, and his jeans and boxers were round his knees, while Martin's head descended until Danny could feel his warm breath on the head of his cock. Then Martin's hand lifted the hard, dripping dick to his mouth, and then it was engulfed in the wet heat of Martin's mouth, where his tongue was waiting to swirl gently round and tease the slit, and then the vein to the base.

Danny by this point was panting and arching up into this own hand, which was moving rapidly up and down his now completely hard cock. He had forgotten how good this felt, and with images of Martin flashing through his mind, it was easy to forget everything else. Just as imaginary Martin deep- throated him, he felt the sensation increase until it exploded, and Danny came over his hand and stomach, in the first voluntary release he had had in more than 7 months. He collapsed to the bed, breathing heavily, with a big grin on his face. Definitely the best homework he had ever had, and it proved without a doubt that it was a sexual relationship he wanted with Martin. Now all he had to do was convince Martin. He had to be patient a while longer.

When Martin entered Dr Grange's office, he was feeling nervous. He had made the appointment after his argument with Danny over the two of them starting a relationship, but even as he had done so, he had known that patient confidentiality meant that it was unlikely that Dr Grange would be able to tell Martin anything about how Danny was doing. He was sure that he needed some advice though, as a man who wanted a relationship with a rape survivor, and hoped this would help. He didn't quite know where to begin though. "Erm, you're probably wondering why I've come to see you," Martin started.

"Well I was when you first made the appointment, but after I saw Danny yesterday I wasn't at all surprised. I think it is a good idea." Dr Grange smiled at Martin. "I should start by reminding you that everything we discuss is confidential, as it is with all my patients. Danny has however given me permission to tell you anything I think would be helpful to you. I will tell Danny what I have told you about his sessions though. Is that okay?"

Martin nodded. "Yes, that's fine. I suppose he told you about the argument we had about whether we should start a relationship?" he asked. Dr Grange nodded. Martin continued, "I had been avoiding that conversation for a long time. I suppose I didn't really think that Danny would pick up on my feelings for him, or feel the same way, so I wasn't prepared for it. I would like to have a relationship with him, but I don't think he's ready yet."

"Why don't you think he's ready?" Dr Grange asked.

"I suppose I'm expecting him to get back to normal before we start anything. I always saw Danny as being so strong, and so confident. He was a man who could have anyone he wanted, male or female, and who flirted with everyone. That's the man I fell in love with. Now he's so different. He's not as sure of himself, as confident. He doesn't flirt, he doesn't go out, whereas he used to have such a busy social life. I suppose I see him as settling if he says yes to me now." Martin wasn't sure if he was making any sense.

"Okay, you think that Danny would be settling if he was with you, even though you fell in love with the social butterfly that could have anyone. I get the impression you felt that he wouldn't be interested in you, and that he was out of your league. Is that right?"

"Yes, I suppose so. I generally live a boring life, staying in most nights in front of the TV. I never saw that life as being one that Danny wanted. Yes, he does that now, but I think when he gets his confidence back, he'll not want that life, the one he could have with me." Martin didn't like the way he thought he was sounding, like a boring man.

"Are you worried that if you start a relationship with him now, that he will drop you when he gets his confidence back?" Dr Grange clarified.

Martin thought about it. "That sounds selfish doesn't it? I should be thinking about Danny, not worrying about my own feelings being hurt."

"No, that's where you're wrong. If you want a relationship with Danny, you want an equal one, where you are both on equal footing. When you keep thinking about Danny's feelings and putting them first, you are not thinking on equal terms with him. You should be thinking about your own feelings, and protect yourself from being hurt, not putting Danny first always. Where a relationship is concerned, you both have equal rights. You shouldn't put Danny's feelings above your own because of what happened to him." Dr Grange gave Martin a minute to think about this, before continuing.

"One thing that changes for most men, women too, when they have been raped, is that 'normal' changes. Most survivors see it and describe it in similar ways. It is as if the person they were before the rape has ceased to exist, and a new person has been put in their place, a new person with a different personality, who is often less outgoing, less externally confident. You are waiting for Danny to go back being the person he was before the attack. I don't believe he will. The man he is now may go out less, and be less flirty, and be less trusting of people doesn't know, and it is likely that won't change too drastically. He may get more of his confidence back as time goes on, but the Danny you see now is the man he now is as a result of the attack. It doesn't indicate he isn't ready to move on with his life, or start a new relationship."

"So you think he is ready for a relationship with me?" Martin asked.

Dr Grange sighed. "No, I don't, but for different reasons than you have indicated." Martin looked at him, waiting to hear Dr Grange's reasons. "The two of you have a very close friendship, from what I have seen of the two of you together, and what Danny has said in all his sessions with me. The biggest difference between that and the relationship you both say you want is sexual intimacy. Danny hasn't really thought much about that since the attack. It's something I have asked him to work on."

"I also think that he needs to be sure he isn't getting into a relationship with you as an easier option than finding someone new to trust. I don't believe he will want to go back to going out clubbing regularly and casual relationships, as I have said. I think he needs to get out there and try it though, to prove to himself and you that he will be happy staying in." Dr Grange gave Martin time to digest this. "But, I do think that his feelings for you are real, and that he is close to being in a place where the two of you would be ready to start a new phase in your relationship. You need to think about whether you are ready, and really want this, too."

Martin looked startled. "I have wanted Danny for years. He never knew I was bi, but I knew about him a long time ago. I never really thought I could get what I wanted though. Now, I guess I know I can, but I have just been worried that I was setting myself up for a fall when Danny got back to where he was before. Ironically, the man Danny is now is probably is a better fit to my lifestyle than the man he was before. Now I know that isn't likely to change, I need to get my head round the idea that I can have the relationship I really want with him. I do want that."

Martin thought it was time to change the subject to something else that had been on his mind. "I assumed that when Danny and I got together that we would take things slowly, physically, but I don't really know much about what to expect or what to do or not do, in terms of us being together intimately. Do you have any advice you can give me?"

"Slowly is definitely the way to take things. Be cautious and give Danny a chance to say slow down or stop if he isn't comfortable. Knowing his pride, you need to be on the lookout for signs that he is uncomfortable but trying not to show it. You now know the details of what Danny went through, so avoid anything that might trigger a flashback. In some cases that means avoiding a certain position, or a phrase that the attacker said. I think for Danny it's a pretty safe bet that bondage of any kind is out, as he was tied up when he was attacked. It can also take a long time for a man who was raped to be comfortable being on the receiving end of sexual intercourse, and some men never are. That is something to consider, if you feel that may be a problem for you. The main thing is to talk to each other. You have trust already, which is great, and just what you need, along with a whole load of patience!" Dr Grange grinned at Martin, who looked rueful.

"I am used to biding my time where Danny is concerned. I can be patient."

While Danny was the subject of conversation between Martin and Dr Grange, he was getting ready to go clubbing. He didn't really want to go, but a lot of his social life before the attack had revolved around the clubs in the area – straight and gay – that Danny used to visit. He knew if he wanted to prove to himself, Dr Grange and Martin that he didn't want that life now, but he wasn't scared and avoiding it, he would have to get out there. So despite the butterflies in his stomach, he put on his tightest jeans, a t-shirt and leather jacket, and headed off to one of the tamer clubs in the area.

The music was loud and the lights over the dance floor flashed, but Danny felt none of the excitement he used to feel when on a night out. He chatted with regulars he knew, and got eyed up by the barmaids, who he made an effort to flirt with, but he didn't feel it inside. He wanted to go home, to curl up on his sofa with Martin next to him. He didn't though; he went on to another nightclub, this time a gay one, to see if he felt any differently with men trying to chat him up. He didn't. The butterflies disappeared, as he realised that he could go back to the life he had before, and be the life and soul of the party, but that wasn't what he wanted. He remembered then that although he had sometimes enjoyed his nights out, being surrounded with strangers didn't ease his loneliness any more than sitting alone in his apartment did. Now he had seen what a life with Martin could be like, with companionship and laughter, and hopefully love. He wanted that, not flashing lights and music that hurt his ears. He left much earlier than he used to do, and went home alone, to curl in bed and think about Martin.

Dr Grange rang Danny up the next day, and asked if he would be okay to have a joint meeting with Martin the following week. He gave Danny the option of having a separate one as well, but Danny opted for the joint session only. Since his meeting a few days ago he had made an effort to patch things up with Martin, and they had gotten over their argument, although they hadn't talked about it. He felt it was time for him and Martin to really talk honestly, and get on with starting a relationship for real, and that meeting with Dr Grange would be the first step.

On the day of the appointment, Danny and Martin left straight from work to go to the centre, and didn't have to wait long for Dr Grange. He welcomed them both in, and the three of them sat in the seating area away from his desk, to reduce the formal atmosphere of the meeting. He smiled at them both, before starting. "Thanks for coming. I thought having a joint meeting would be helpful to you both, and get you used to talking to each other in a constructive way about your relationship. I left you both with some things to think about after last week, and wondered if you had thought about them and come to any decisions." He looked at them both, who nodded and then looked at each other. "Do you still both want to change your relationship to a sexual one, where you are equal partners in love?" He asked. Again they nodded.

Danny decided to go first. "Yes, I do. I thought about what you said about me not feeling confident to go out and meet someone new, so decided to give it a try and go out clubbing, like I used to." Danny saw Martin look shocked, but he didn't say anything. "I hated it. It's always better when you think back to how it used to be than it actually is. I remembered how lonely it used to feel in those clubs, not knowing anyone, and just meeting people for anonymous sex or a bit of fun, not getting to know or care about anyone. I don't want that any more. I want what I have with Martin, the companionship, and the fun in just staying in together. There's no need to go out to find what I want if I can have it by staying in." Danny saw Dr Grange looking pleased, and then looked at Martin to see what his reaction was.

"You really mean it? You always used to go out such a lot; do you really not want to do that now. Staying in with me is enough for you?" Martin realised he sounded disbelieving, but couldn't help it.

Danny reached over and took his hand. "Yes, it's definitely enough for me. I don't mind going out, and don't always want to stay in, but if I go out, I want to do it with you. Maybe out for a meal, or the occasional club – I do like dancing, and would like to dance with you – but I don't want to do those things all the time, or without you." Martin and Danny were now staring into each other's eyes.

Dr Grange interrupted the moment. "Do you believe him Martin? Are you ready to believe that what Danny wants is you, and trust in that?"

Martin smiled. "Yes I am. I think it's easy to feel insecure when you're lonely. Now I know that Danny and I just dealt with the loneliness we both felt differently, and that when he was saying what a great time he had every night, it was an exaggeration."

"Danny," Dr Grange got his attention. "Did you manage to complete the homework I set you?" Danny blushed and looked down at his lap, before taking a deep breath in and glancing at Martin, who was looking confused. "Dr Grange said I needed to think about us together intimately, and see what effect it had, so I could be sure I wanted you in a sexual way."

"And…" Martin prompted.

"I did, and had a great time, the best for a very long time." Danny replied, and then added cheekily "I just hope you live up to my imagination!"

Martin laughed. "I'm certainly willing to try."

"Are you sure?" Danny asked, not quite believing that they were in agreement over this, finally.

"Yes," Martin replied, completely confident that now was the right time for them. Their eyes met and they had matching smiles, as they realised they were finally both on the same page about this.

Dr Grange cleared his throat, as they looked about to lean in for their first kiss in front of him. This time they both blushed as they looked away from each other towards him. "It won't be easy, for either of you, and you will need to take things slowly, and keep talking to each other. Relationships take a lot of effort, and getting over the attack as well won't be plain sailing. Expect some rough patches. Danny, it would be a good idea for you to continue with the group meetings, and also some individual ones, and Martin, if you feel at any time that you want to discuss things, don't hesitate to come and see me. I can see great potential in your relationship, and hope that it will be realised. It's great to see how far you have come in the time since the two of you first came in to see me."

Martin and Danny looked at each other again, as they remembered when they had first seen Dr Grange, just after Danny had admitted to Martin that he had been attacked. It was true, they had both come a long way, and their relationship with each other had as well. It was now time to change it still further, and this time they both were ready for it.

They were quiet as they left the centre and drove to Martin's apartment. They had picked up a take-away on the way back there, and ate it in a comfortable silence, although their eyes were meeting and holding, and they both felt the expectation in the air between them. When they finished their meals and cleared away the dishes, Martin took Danny's hand and led him to the sofa. He put on a CD on the way, which when Danny glanced at the cover, he saw was a compilation of romantic ballads. He smiled. Obviously Martin had anticipated this evening as much as he had, and had gotent the CD out ready.

When Martin sat down, he pulled Danny down right next to him, so there was no space between them. He linked his arms around Danny's waist, and smiled when Danny relaxed into him. "This is where I want to be," Danny murmured, "with you."

"Very romantic," Martin commented, and then caught Danny's eyes, which held his, before getting closer as they both moved towards each other. Their lips brushed slowly, then more firmly, before Danny's hand wound into Martin's hair and pulled him more firmly towards him. Their mouths opened and their tongues brushed for the first time, and someone moaned. "God, I've wanted this for so long," Martin whispered after they'd broken the kiss. "I can't believe it's real. After all this time and all you've been through."

"I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." Danny replied, just as softly, before he initiated another kiss, this time one that lasted until they had to break it to breathe. Another kiss, and another, and Danny realised that if he wanted anything more than kissing, he would have to initiate it. He moved away from Martin with difficulty, and started by taking the other man's tie off, then undoing the buttons of his shirt. Martin sat there passively, until Danny suggested "Mine too." At that, Martin undid Danny's tie, and then the shirt. They both sighed as their shirts were opened to reveal yet another barrier – undershirts. They both shrugged out of the shirts then took their undershirts off, and then Danny moved until he was lying down on the couch. Martin hesitated for a moment.

"It's okay. I want this. I'll let you know if there is anything I'm not comfortable with, but I am fine with you and me here, like this. Relax." Danny smiled encouragingly to Martin, and then held out his arms. Martin moved their shirts to the armchair next to the sofa, out of the way, then lay down next to Danny, and faced him, with his arm over his partner's chest.

"I wanted to know. You said earlier to Dr Grange that you had thought about us in a sexual way, and that I had a lot to live up to compared to your imagination. What did you imagine us doing?" Martin watched as Danny blushed, but then answered.

"I imagined us both here, like this, and then you gave me a blow job. Maybe not the most romantic thing, or even sex, but it was good." Danny looked away, not sure what Martin's reaction would be. He needn't have worried.

"It sounds good to me, and I've always considered oral sex to be sex. So do you want me to live out the rest of the scene?" Martin's eyes twinkled, and Danny nodded.

Martin started by kissing Danny again, and then moved across to nibble his earlobe and whisper "tell me anytime if you want me to slow down or stop." He then moved down to Danny's neck, and then sucked his collarbone while he caressed both his nipples with his fingers. As he saw how much Danny liked that, he moved lower to suck each nipple in turn, while his hands ran lower, across his abs and down to his belt. He leaned up and caught Danny's eyes to check this was okay, and when the other man nodded, he undid the belt then reached lower to undo the button and unzip the pants. Danny then raised his hips so Martin could push down them to below his hips, and he was left with just his boxers. Martin ran one hand over the hard cock he could see through the cloth, and Danny gasped.

"Please Martin." Martin didn't wait any longer, but took hold of the elasticised sides of the boxers as Danny once again raised his hips so Martin could push them down. Now Danny was fully exposed, and Martin saw for the first time what he had longed for. He leaned over and took the hard cock into his mouth and heard Danny groan. With one hand across Danny's hips to stop him jerking up, he used his tongue to carefully trace every inch of the hardness in his mouth, before taking a deep breath and sucking it back into his throat. Danny again moaned, and this time Martin heard his name, along with a warning. He didn't let up on Danny though, and soon felt the pulses as Danny came down his throat. By the time Martin had licked Danny's cock clean and moved up the couch to join him, Danny was recovering from his orgasm.

"That was definitely better than in my imagination," he said. "Sorry I've no stamina. It's been a long time."

"Don't worry about it. It's been a while for me too," Martin reassured him.

"Speaking of which…" Danny muttered as he reached for Martin's belt, and the sizeable hardness of the cock he could see under his suit pants. In less than a minute he had Martin's erection in his hand, and while Martin moaned into his neck, he quickly jerked the other man to orgasm. It didn't take long, and Danny regretted that he didn't have longer to enjoy it. But, he decided, there was always next time.

Clean-up was as unromantic as it always is, but afterwards, Danny suggested that they move to the bedroom. Martin looked pleased at the suggestion, and Danny again realised that he was going to have to be the one that made all the first moves. As they curled up in bed together, naked, Danny decided to tackle the elephant in the room.

"I used to be pretty adventurous in bed, before. Now, well, we'll have to see how it goes. I would prefer to have some light on, I don't want to ever be tied up again, and we may have to wait awhile before I feel comfortable bottoming. I trust you though, and I am hoping that sooner or later we will get round to trying everything we both want to do." Danny said this while tracing patterns on Martin's bare chest, looking at the scar that could still be faintly seen. He looked up to see what Martin's reaction was.

"I've only been with one man before you, and we weren't that adventurous. Light is no problem, and I've never been a fan of bondage, so that's not an issue. I don't mind bottoming, although it's been years, so you'll have to bear with me while I get used to it again. You let me know if or when you want to bottom, but there's no pressure. If you never want to again, that's okay. I trust you too, and I hope that you will feel you can tell me if you ever feel uncomfortable, or if there is something you don't like. There is plenty we can do together that we will both enjoy." Martin then took Danny's face in his hand and drew him closer for another kiss. Their relationship had started and he couldn't have been happier.

Epilogue

It had been a mad day at the office, but it had all ended happily, with their missing person found alive and reunited with her family. Once the reports were done, Martin and Danny left the office together, as usual, heading to Martin's apartment. They had been together for four months, and were looking for an apartment big enough for both of them, as they spent all their time together at Martin's place, and Danny's apartment had been relegated to a mail drop. Everyone at the office had realised they were together soon after they started their relationship, thanks to an alarm clock failure, and they had all had a frank conversation about how the relationship affected the team dynamics. Danny had also told the rest of the team what had happened to him, and they were all shocked and dismayed, not only at what had happened, but that they hadn't realised it.

Tonight, Danny seemed full of nervous energy, more so than usual, but wouldn't say what the reason was. Once home, Danny insisted that Martin relax while he cooked, and then produced a lovely romantic meal with their favourite foods. Martin was suspicious, but couldn't think of an anniversary he had forgotten, and knew it wasn't either of their birthdays. Danny refused to explain anything though. Instead, he caught Martin in an intense kiss that removed all thought from Martin's mind, and then kept kissing as he moved him back through the apartment to their bedroom. There he removed all their clothes, and then kissed and caressed Martin until they were both hard and panting.

Martin's hand went into the bedside table drawer, groping for the tube of lube and a condom, but this time there was a change from the usual routine. Danny took the condom from him and instead rolled it down Martin's cock. Martin looked shocked, as Danny had never shown any inclination to bottom since they had first got together, and they had never discussed it since then either. "Are you sure?" he asked the other man.

Danny smiled. "Positive" he said. "It's time." Martin opened the tube of lube and covered his fingers with the slippery gel then moved towards Danny's opening. He slowly inserted one finger while watching Danny's face. He could feel how tight Danny was around his finger, but with patience, and time, it loosened until he could fit another finger in. Then he moved his fingers deeper until he found Danny's prostate. He pressed the hard protrusion, and Danny gasped. "Oh God, I've missed this." Martin thrust his fingers in again, and kept brushing Danny's prostate until he was writhing on the bed, and Martin could fit three fingers inside.

"Are you ready?" he asked. Danny nodded and pulled Martin over him, then wound both legs round his hips. Martin lined up his cock with the entrance to Danny's body, and slowly pushed forwards. Danny's eyes narrowed slightly as the pressure increased, then he pushed out, and Martin slid slowly home. They kept their eyes on each other as Martin moved backwards then forwards again slowly, and then speeded up as Danny got more impatient and pulled him in with his legs. A couple of minute shifts, and Martin was hitting Danny's prostate with each stroke.

Their movements speeded up and each stroke gained in strength as Martin worried less about hurting Danny. Soon they were both speeding towards orgasm, with Martin holding out until Danny came before letting himself come. They collapsed onto each other before Martin rolled off to remove the condom.

Danny looked over at Martin. "Thank you. I love you," he said, pulling him into a hug. He had a big smile on his face and his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. Finally Danny had reclaimed his sexuality, and all he had lost when he had been raped. He had thought he would never be happy again or be able to get out of the deep hole he had ended up in as a result of the attack. But he had not only done that, now he also had the relationship with Martin he had wanted for years. It had taken a long time, and lots of patience and trust, but he was now happier than he had ever been.


End file.
